Fiona Apple

─Never is a promise
Youll never see the courage I know
Its colors richness wont appear within your view
Ill never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lightsThe shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch;
I see from greater heights
understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you
Youll say you understand, but you dont understand
Youll say youd never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you cant afford to lie
Youll never touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
Youll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than Ive ever shown - to you
Youll say, dont fear your dreams, its easier than it seems
Youll say youd never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you cant afford to lie
Youll never live the life that I liveIll never live the life that wakes me in the night
Youll never hear the message I give
Youll say it looks as though I might give up this fight
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you
Youll say you understand, youll never understand
Ill say Ill never wake up knowing how or why
I dont know what to believe in, you dont know who I am
Youll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and Ill never need a lie
Fiona Apple

Guess who won't be coming to dinner...ever

On friday night, I met up with my boyfriend. We went out for dinner and had a couple of drinks. For the first time ever in our two years of dating, he actually told me that I was beautiful. "Will you take me to Holloween Horror nights?" I asked him.
"no,"he said."I don't like those kind of places."
The same answer as anywhere else I'd like to go. Dissapointed, I rolled over and went to sleep.

The next day, saturday, we were at gators eating lunch when he mentioned that his father had called the night before while were eating dinner. "I just told him that i was out with some friends," He said. At first, I just laughed, but then it struck me. He'd lied to his dad about being with me.Why?
There is that moment of truth in every relationship where you realize that all the time you've spent someone was worth it. Other times, there's that moment where you realize that the past two years have been nothing but a waste of time. "You told him you were out with friends?" I felt my eyes well up eith tears. I almost cried into my martini.
"You don't understand how my father is," he said, which made no sense to me; a grown man should atand up for himself and who he loves no matter who is an asshole about it. He should'nt hide his girlfriend of the past two years from his entire family.And what did that mean anyway? I didn't understand.
The rest of the meal went by slowly. I made up for my hurt feelings with a drink. I tried my best to not show too much that I was mad, but it was all could do. Usually we spend saturdays together, but I went home instead."I just want to be by myself," I said. I went inside and spent the rest of the day crying.
Later on, I became bored and took myself out for a drink. I ended up at hip hop night(and I hate hip hop) and the bar was crowded and I was alone and it was awaful, I suddenly just wanted to be alone, away from all these stupid happy people and creepy men and boyfriend who was ashamed to be with me.
I can't believe that my own boyfriend is ashamed of me. The fact that he won't take me anywhere, the not telling his family about our relationship, the not wanting to meet mine. He's embarrassed of me. Why? Im attractive, people ususally like me, I'm smart, and I have all of my teeth. Wgat is it? Is it becasue I'm black? Why date interatially if you can't handle it? Why be in a relationship that you are ashamed of? I just feel like shit. Never in my life have i ever felt as I do right now. To know that the man that you've spent the past two years with is utterly shamed of being with you is a terrible feeling. When was he intending to tell them? Ever? If you love and care about somebody, you want everyone to know and you don't care what they think. The fact that he is that embarrassed and secretive of me just shows that this relationship will never go anywaher, will never be what I want it to be.
I want to get married one day. I want a guy who loves me unconditionally, forever and ever, not matter who or what. I want a guy who's not embarrassed to show me to his family or meet mine. I want a guy who'll take me places that I want to go to, even if he doesn't like them personally. Isn't that what a relationship is about? Give and take? Because there are two people in this relationship, not just him. And I just realized that in the end, he doesn't love me and never will.
I know this relationship needs to end. He's a different person to me now. Everything I hoped and beleived about our relationship was wrong. My feelings and needs don't matter, who I am doesn't matter. I'm just here becasue it's convenient for him. He is the most selfish person I have ever dated. I deserve so much better. I deserve a guy who'll give me flowers sometimes, who'll tell me I look beautiful sometimes and will show me off to the world. And I just can't believe that it after this long, this is where I end up.
I don't even wnat to talk to him but he needs to know how I feel. Something has changed. It's me.

Rock me, Baby....

Guess what, I went to class today and C.G. invited me to see his band play. I was pretty excited but I tried not to get all giddy about the prospect of seeing him outside of school. Anyway, I tried to get the directions straight and he was like,"I should just give you my number." (!!!!!) But then I guess he forgot and I felt stupid reminding him. And anyway, everytime I looked over he was flirting with the girl on the other side of him. Boo hoo.
I'm not sure if Im going to the show or not. I mean, it's a week night and chances are, Im going to end up going alone and I feel silly going to a concert alone, especially since it involves the guy I think is cute.
Well gotta run. Im hungry and I just failed my first comouter networking test. Peace.

monday pt2

ugh. ive been sitting in th elibrary for too long trying to concentrate on my homework but cant. thought i saw the back of cute guys heAD(oops) sitting at a computer but i dont anymor so maybe im seeing things. sorry about the poor typing, im only typing with one finger because my other hand is being lazy, so im actually typing a word a minute. anyway goota get back to my work, im trying to pretend i know what im doing! i cant believ e some people dont mind going to college for like ten years(like medical students) i think id rather eat shit

manic monday

got to school where i saw cute guy! he kept making me laugh. he asked me for a hug(!!!!!) anyway im very charmed right now. even though i have a boyfriend, but i guess i like him too.

Friday

today started off as any other day. boring! any how not much has happened. i saw cute guy at the coffee stand but he didnt see me. i wonder if he has a girlfriend.
anyway gotta run, the library is about to close.
i think i hate my boyfriend.

Bad Boyfriend Blues

Bad boyfriends. They are like bad beers: you already started drinking it, so you may as well finish the bottle.
Bad boyfriends come all shapes and sizes and vary in levels of badness. There's the first level, green, which means that you can keep going until you see a stop sign or almost crash into something. I call this guy the fun and games guy. He's fun and sweet and charming until it's time to not be fun and sweet and charming. This includes alot of college frat boys, some bartenders, and most men that you meet in bars. They are funny and witty and you love hanging aroung them. Then... they don't call when they are sopposed to. They have tons of female "friends". They always keep their phone off or on silent when they are with you. They are always "out with the boys" and you are never, ever invited. In fact, you have never even met the boys. He hasn't met your girls and doesn't care to. Dinner is at his house, always, and a compliment from him is,"Nice thong." This is the guy to stay away from if you don't like taking a backseat to his party life.
Then there's the yellow light guy--drive carefully and proceed with caution.This is usually the good on paper guy. This guy probably has a good job, a house, all the good on paper stuff, but something is lacking, and you don't know what. He's probably afraid of commitment, breaking out into hives when you pause on Platimnum Weddings on TV. He could be the opposite, proposing to you cliffside two weeks after you met. Maybe he thinks all your guy friends should be dumped forever. He could have a variety of neurosis that you are never aware of until it's too late. Oddly enough, everyone else thinks he's fucking awesome, especially your mother, whose already picked out wedding cakes.
Next is the red light guy, also know by a variety of names: scrub, bum, lowlife, and the most popular, bad boy. This guy can come in any form: may be clad in leather, maybe in preppy clothes, maybe looks like a rapper. All the signs are there from the start: he doesn't have a car because the state wont let him drive.( But, of course, it wasn't his fault.) He doesn't have a job but somehow gets his hands on the best weed. He's an "entrepreneur". You catch him a gazillion lies and when you confront him he gets upset because you dont trust him. He might even go by some cheesy fake name, like Dred or Q. He constantly borrows money from you, uses your cell phone, and when you go out together, you pay for everything. he might even be mean or jealous, accusing you of sleeping with anyone from your friends to the cab driver. he tries to beat up other men for no good reason. The list goes on. The red light guy is always up front about his shadiness; you just failed to see it through his good looks.